Blowjob Etiquette
1. First and foremost, I am not obligated to do it.
2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.
3. I don't care what they did in the porn video you saw. It is not standard practice to come on someone's face.
4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I do not have to swallow.
5. My ears are NOT handles.
6. Extension to rule #5 - Do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really want puke on your dick?
7. I do not care how relaxed you get, it is never OK to fart.
8. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, do not tell me I've just "wrecked it for you.”
9. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games, smoke a cigarette, watch TV, etc, immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.
10. If you like how I do it, it is probably best not to speculate about the origins of my talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that I am good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.
11. No, it does not particularly taste good. And I do not care about the protein content.
12. No, I will not do it while you watch TV, smoke a cigarette, drink, etc.
13. When you hear your friends complain about how they do not get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.
14. Just because "it's awake" when you get up, it does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."
15. Having my period does not mean that it is "hummer week." Get it through your head - I am bloated and I feel like shit. So no, I do not feel particularly obligated to blow you just because you can not have sex right now.
16. Extension to #15 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls. If you are that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.
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